By Eric J Gruber
Published on: 2018-12-31
“Heal your wounds so you do not bleed on those you love.” - unknown
It’s the last day of 2018, and all day I’ve been thinking, “I think I have one more post in me.”
In looking back at my feelings from previous New Year’s Eve posts (thanks for the memories, Facebook). Not unlike others, I usually had positive thoughts about where the new year would take me.
Today I took down the Christmas tree. I packed away the decor. I moved some things around, and grumbled when things didn’t fit right. I watched the biggest snowflakes I have ever seen fall from the sky, then disintegrate as soon as they hit the ground. I took a nap. I listened to some music. I was pretty lazy.
I have thought a lot about mom today.
When I ball it all up, and really think about it, for the first time in a long time I have no feelings about the new year at all. I am not excited. I am not despondent. I am merely numb.
Since my mother’s death, I have started seeing life a lot differently. I’ve come to believe that a lot of what makes a modern existence is pure bullshit.
I was in a room with acquaintances the other day and I was the only one not staring at my phone. We have lost the ability to communicate like humans. I am guilty of this, but it makes it no less horrible.
Political candidates are starting to make their announcements for the next big election, and let me guarantee you: all that is bullshit as well. You should take an hour, sit down, be quiet, and listen to this episode of Freakonomics where they show how the two major political parties play the populous to get what they want (and how almost all third party candidates are losers). There are no politicians coming to help you. I don’t even think most of them care about the things you think they do. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.
Social media is bullshit. Because we can’t communicate anymore, this is all we have left. Can’t make friends as an adult? Welcome to the club. You’ll have to settle for bits and bytes in someone else’s walled garden. Pay no attention to the fact that they’re taking your data and selling all your information to whomever pays. What a terrible existence we’ve traded. I remember when people used to go get coffee and have great conversations in person. Now we waste hours every day on social media. Part of this is because we have a mobile computer in our hands at all times. According to my phone, I spent six hours and 37 minutes per day on it last week. Isn’t that pathetic? I bet one hour of actual face time with another human would have been far more fulfilling.
But what do I know? Maybe I’m just a grumpy person at the end of the year.
In thinking about my 2019, I’ve decided to not be optimistic. I’ve also decided to not be bummed about it. But I have decided to be intentional.
For Thanksgiving, I was in Joplin, Mo., and decided to take my family to visit the Grand Falls, which is a small waterfall in the city limits there. That place has a special place in my heart. When my mom was sick in the hospital in September, I would take a break now and then to get out of the hospital and clear my head while my dad took over being with her. One of those days, I went to the Grand Falls. It was a beautiful day and I was full of reflection.
Over the next few days, I had feelings — premonitions of what things would be like if mom wasn’t with us anymore. One night dad and I were alone in the house, and it just had that feeling. I went to Walmart during one of my breaks, and they had already started putting up Christmas decor. Mom loved Christmas, and even though she was lying in a hospital a few miles away very much alive, I just had this feeling. I texted my wife on Sept. 28 and said, “I can’t shake this sinking feeling that something bad is up with mom. Maybe it’s my brain thinking the worst. I can do that at times.”
I wish I had been wrong.
But I digress. There is so much bullshit around us, around me, and I’ve not done well this year in keeping that check. I need to heal my wounds, because if not, I’m going to make a mess of things. I really don’t want that to happen. And so in 2019, I’m going to be intentional.
I had a few times this year where I was very intentional, and it was wonderful. I took my daughter to her first concert (Taylor Swift). We paid off our student loan debt. I went to some concerts for myself. I met up with friends and talked. I went for walks. All of these things were highly intentional. I don’t regret those things. But when I think about six hours and 37 minutes of time on a screen last week — which I was off work the whole week — I don’t have a lot of pride in that.
I’m going to take some time to heal my wounds. I’m going to be intentional. If you want to get ahold of me, I’m sure you can find a way. But I am broken, and really need to heal.
I hope you and I make 2019 an intentional one.
New Year’s Day, by Taylor Swift
There’s glitter on the floor after the party
Girls carrying their shoes down in the lobby
Candle wax and Polaroids on the hardwood floor
You and me from the night before but
Don’t read the last page
But I stay when you’re lost and I’m scared and you’re turning away
I want your midnights
But I’ll be cleaning up bottles with you on New Year’s Day
You squeeze my hand three times in the back of the taxi
I can tell that it’s going to be a long road
I’ll be there if you’re the toast of the town babe
Or if you strike out and you’re crawling home
Don’t read the last page
But I stay when it’s hard or it’s wrong or you’re making mistakes
I want your midnights But I’ll be cleaning up bottles with you on New Year’s Day
Hold on to the memories, they will hold on to you
Hold on to the memories, they will hold on to you
Hold on to the memories, they will hold on to you
And I will hold on to you
Please don’t ever become a stranger whose laugh I could recognize anywhere
Please don’t ever become a stranger whose laugh I could recognize anywhere
There’s glitter on the floor after the party
Girls carrying their shoes down in the lobby
Candle wax and Polaroids on the hardwood floor
You and me forevermore
Don’t read the last page
But I stay when it’s hard or it’s wrong or we’re making mistakes
I want your midnights
But I’ll be cleaning up bottles with you on New Year’s Day
Hold on to the memories, they will hold on to you
Hold on to the memories, they will hold on to you
Hold on to the memories, they will hold on to you
And I will hold on to you
Please don’t ever become a stranger whose laugh I could recognize anywhere
Please don’t ever become a stranger whose laugh I could recognize anywhere